Secret Diary of a Single Mom: Flight Risk

I?m at a point in my life, when I feel like I?m at a crossroads of self-discovery. Learning about myself as a parent, separate from a single woman edging toward the precipice of her 30s. Learning about how my past has shaped who I am today, and how I can work to overcome the limitations I thought were discrete barriers. Understanding my emotional and mental proclivities toward anxiety, caution, confusion, self-doubt, and indecision more and more. I tend to overthink and constantly search for the root of discovery in many aspects of life, and my own shortcomings and personality are no exception to this ever-present tendency.

One of my issues that has become clearer as presented in the scope of post-divorce dating and relationships is my recurrent tendency to run away. I get overwhelmed ? by life, work, parental responsibilities, the relationship itself, or the sheer compounded intensity of all of these facets of my life mashed together in what feels like chaos at times. Sometimes it happens early in the encounters; sometimes it?s postponed until the dopamine high of early attraction is worn off and my delicate balance of a busy single mom life falls outside the perfect compartmentalization formula for success. The recurring pattern though is that it *always* happens at some point.

And it?s not a new concept in my life. I can remember getting that feeling even as a young girl, and especially cognizant of it as my life began to become exponentially stressful in high school and college as the demands of jobs, academic success, and the other things that go along with being a young female heading toward adulthood pushed forcefully upon my shoulders.? One particular example that now stands out in my mind occurred in college; I was a co-chair for our spring formal dance, and things were frenzied with preparations on top of actually getting myself ready to enjoy the dance. ?Stressed? is probably a gross understatement of my state of being that particular day. And after I ended up with a capital-H-Horrid hairstyle that I paid a hefty bit of my menial poor college funds for, I pretty much just gave up.? I was in such a foul mood, tired, overwhelmed, and wanted nothing more than to just SKIP THE DANCE. And I did. I decided at the last minute to just not go at all. My friends gave me massive amounts of heckling for it, and no one seemed to understand how my hair could really be ?that bad.?? I didn?t even know how to explain it at the time. But now I know more about how I ?work.? The more things build and add pressure and stress and any other combination of negative emotions, the greater my impulse to just drop and RUN. It?s a rather simple formula when I step back and examine it from a purely basic perspective.

So now I notice myself thinking about ?running? at times in various contexts. At work. In social situations. And especially, the easiest to spot ? in relationships. The word that always comes to mind is ?overwhelmed? --- if I end up in a space, in any context, where I start to feel that way, my intrinsic instincts kick in, commonly thought of as the fight-or-flight response? and if the feeling sticks around, I head for the hills and change direction nearly every time.

However, it doesn?t mean that I?m flaky, or not driven. In fact, I?m usually the opposite. I have a successful academic background and stellar career path to date. I always pushed myself to the edge of my means to attempt to achieve the best that I could. There?s a perfectionistic tendency in my psyche that is difficult to ignore. I graduated college with a perfect 4.0; there was a running joke that I was a ?slave to the 4? because I was always focused on studying and schoolwork more than the average student.? I?ve steadily worked at least one regular job since I was 13 years old, and at times, held down up to 3 while simultaneously enslaved to my collegiate GPA.? But the relative barrier is there too? I was often intimidated in signing up for programs or courses that I feared were too challenging. I?d rather take on things that I felt confident that I could conquer. Something that was an unknown or seemed too challenging sent me into an anxious frenzy just thinking about it, and I politely declined any invitation to participate, where possible.

But while it?s great that through therapy and the wisdom that age and introspection brings I have begun to get a head start on understanding my typical proclivities and reactions in certain situations, relationships are dynamic, complex things, and it?s not as simple as missing a fancy dance when I get that familiar itch to bail.? How much should I trust my own instincts? Is the fear there for a reason? Or am I simply tying on my running shoes because I?m a girl with a troubled past, who assumes she can?t even trust her own judgment??

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